Books That Bite

Shakespeare Undead

2010-07-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

by Lori Handeland

Plot Synopsis: A necromancer is raising people from the dead as zombies in London! Good thing that strapping young lad Will Shakespeare is a centuries-old vampire. Helping him is a young lad that goes out at night to kill them...or is it really a young woman who hates her husband and sneaks out at night dressed as a boy killing zombies, just like her nanny taught her to do? They fall in love and have lots of secks, but he can't let her know he's a vampire and necromancer, or she'll think he's raising the vampires!

Vampire Lore: 4
I can't really knock this one. All the classics are in there, and they dispell the garlic and crucifix theories, which I never liked because they don't make much sense.

Love/Sex/Romance: 2
Oh, there was plenty of it, don't get me wrong. The attraction stuff was actually alright. It was the sex (and sex and sex) chapter that actually made me laugh out loud. Does anyone know if "pulse" is an actual 16th century term for orgasms? Other favorites include when she "palmed his length" and him going in and out of her like waves on the ocean, or something.

Fights: 4
There was blood! And zombies getting destroyed and turning into dust! And then Will rips off some other vampire's head!

Entertainment Value: 2
It was interesting at first, and then I got bored, and then the hilarious sex scene, then I got bored, then there was a new vampire, and then Queen Elizabeth kicks his head across the Rose Theatre. So the entertainment value was kind of like the waves of the ocean.

Characters: 2
Sort of boring. And I'm tired of seeing Queen Elizabeth portrayed as such a badass rebel queen. Not that she wasn't, but it's getting old.

Writing: 3
The narration kept pretty true to the time period, but all the lines from Shakespeare plays (and elsewhere) got old a lot faster than I would have expected.

Overall, I'd say this is about a 2. It just didn't hold my interest the way I hoped a book about vampire-Shakespeare fighting vampires would. Also it should be noted that the plot sounded so ridiculous, I assumed it was going to be a satire of the genre. Lori Handeland has actually authored many romance novels and is part of many supernatural romance collections, so not doing a search on Barnes & Noble before opening the book is attributed to my own ignorance. But, if you really enjoy supernatural romance fluff, you'll probably like this one.

I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

2010-02-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

I know what you're thinking. Yes, I actually read a book, and no, the main character isn't a vampire. But there are vampires in it, and you'll see why I love it so much once I explain. Take what you read about the categories with a grain of salt, since I'm sort of combining the lore of vampires AND zombies in this one...you know, if there is such a thing as zombie lore.

by Adam Selzer

Plot Synopsis: In a world where vampires, zombies, and werewolves are well known to exist! The equivalent of Wal-Mart brought dead people back to life to stock shelves, but the vampires that have been living among us for hundred of years outed them with a dead-people-ought-to-stick-together mentality, even though they apparently hate each other. Anyway, Alley loves making fun of everyone, especially the Bella Swans of the world, until she starts getting sucked into a relationship with Doug, who she finds out is a zombie after she starts dating him.

Vampire and Zombie Lore: 4
Definitely not the worst I've seen. Not everything is traditional at all, but everything is at least mentioned or explained away, with a few exceptions. That was appreciated. It's also appreciated that zombies are gross and weren't attempted to be made sexy or something.

Love/Sex/Romance: 3
This is the best fun I've seen poked at teen paranormal romance ever. In chapter ten, Alley researches the process of girls becoming various undead beings, and makes it a point to explain not only what trolls are, but how obviously delusional these girls who are head-over-heels for vampires are. She comes to the realization that other heroines seem to skirt over; killing yourself for a high school love is just an awful, awful idea.

Fights: 5
Nasty zombies wanting brains, at least three times! The last time, a main character dies from it!

Entertainment Value: 3
Once I realized that this book wasn't what I expected it to be, I loved it. Unfortunately, that wasn't until around page 120. Admittedly, this is just my own oversight, so this probably isn't even that fair of a score.

Characters: 4
At first glance, they are nothing special. Until the Alley points out the flaws in the guys she's dating OMG!!!!!!!!!!1

Writing: 3
Honestly, the writing isn't bad at all. I think I'm just a bit bitter that I didn't catch onto the joke until so close to the end, which just makes me feel dumb.

Overall, if you hate everything about Twilight, this is absolutely worth a read. I obtained an advance reader's copy, courtesy of a coworker, but I believe it was recently released retail. I laughed out loud at the back flap description, which I think is part of what tricked me into thinking this was something else for so long. But, after I did, it was refreshing to read about a female protagonist that can be in love, but still see the flaws in her boyfriend. She convinced people not to be morons and kill themselves for their immortal boyfriends, but experienced patience in doing so - the kind of patience I don't even have talking to Twilight fans about Edward Cullen. And, her experiences throughout the book make her a BETTER PERSON by the end. I can't think of the last not-John-Green book I read where that happens.

Also, zombies are gross. And not sparkly and perfect. Thank goodness I didn't have to read another scene where some girl sexes up a dude just by looking at him; barf.

Crushing Guilt! Plus Stephenie Meyer.

2009-10-30T11:59:00.001-07:00

So, I am a full-time employee as well as a full-time student. As such, I don't always get the time I wish I had to dedicate to reading books from the dredges of the Earth (and some that aren't too awful), and I've been feeling guilty lately that I've been neglected BTB. It isn't that I've run out of excellent candidates (Lord knows that's not at all possible), I just seem to have run out of time to read. I'm going to make an effort to remedy this in the near future, but I feel compelled to write something until that time comes. So, feel free to read my review of "Twilight" on Goodreads. I mean, let's face it, this is where the madness really began. I didn't bother writing anything about the next two books (I can say all there is to say about them by informing you that I read them as quickly as possible just to get to the end), but "Breaking Dawn" was so deliciously awful, I had to say my piece on that one.

I'll never bother doing a "proper" BTB review of any of these, since it's been a while since I read them and I don't care to revisit that time. Also, I have way better things to do with my time than reiterate that Stephenie Meyer is a terrible writer; you can find that anywhere on the internet.

Jeph Jacques has the lulz.
(via Questionable Content)

In Defense Of The Written Word

2009-09-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my review of The Vampire Diaries that I had already gotten the next volume out of of the library, and was going to read it before the television show premiered, if for no other reason than to properly hate and critique it. This plan changed after I actually saw some of the trailers and sneak peeks of the show.

The long preview.

Now, I don't expect book-to-screen adaptions to be perfect, I'm not naive. But this is such an awful bastardization of the literature it's based off of, I'm surprised LJ Smith herself hasn't stormed the offices of CW with a machete. I'm not about to explain everything that is wrong with this, but rest assured, it makes the adaption of the third Harry Potter book look like a work of exquisite art. (Although, I'm more than happy to admit I love seeing Ian Somerhalder back on television. Man I love him.)

The Vampire Diaries is far from my favorite book (though of all the things I have read for the purposes of this blog, it's not that bad). I am not a fan of these books as much as I am a fan of all books, which is why I'll never find it in my heart to even watch these episodes online.

The Vampire Diaries Volume 1: The Awakening and The Struggle

2009-07-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

by L.J. Smith

Plot Synopsis: Elena is the social queen at school, and gets whiny and offended when the new hot boy (Stefan) at school doesn't pay attention to her. They eventually start dating, and she finds out he's a vampire, with an evil brother (Damon) who wants to kill him. Fights and deaths ensue!

Vampire Lore: 2
Smith took some major liberties here, which I suppose you can get away with when you publish a book about vampires before they sparkled. For starters, a vampire drinking someone's blood doesn't turn them into a vampire; the victim then has to drink the vampire's blood. Okay, I can buy that. What I CAN'T buy is that after a while the effects of vampirism can wear off, and that someone is only transformed fully into a vampire if they die. Damon can transform into a crow, and Stefan can transfer into a falcon...I'll just leave you with the thought of vampires turning into what could be feathered pets.

Love/Sex/Romance: 2
Same stuff you see everywhere...vampire dude, human girl, want to get together but he feels obligated to not go near her to save her. Blah blah blah.

Fights: 4
I have to say, this was pretty cool. There was lots of human-human fights, vampire-vampire fights, human-vampire fights, and people dying. This should always be part of vampire novels.

Entertainment Value: 3
I have to admit, once I got past the first 20-30 pages, this wasn't as much as a struggle as I had predicted it to be. And I give Smith credit for the way she ended each book, because the lack of resolution and the promise that it would come not-so-far into the following book kept me fairly interested.

Characters: 1
I hated Elena from page four; she was shallow and just...lame. Stefan was marginally better, but still pretty whiny. Elena's friend Bonnie's psychic powers made her MORE ridiculous and annoying. Elena's friend/ex-boyfriend Matt is a sucker with no backbone. Damon was the only character that didn't make me want to jump into the book and become homicidal.

Writing: 3
I wasn't a fan of how, in The Awakening, the story was told in third person from Elena's point-of-view, then Stefan's, then Elena's, then Stefan's, etc. ESPECIALLY since we knew NOTHING about Stefan most of The Awakening.

Overall, this is worth a read if you plan on checking out the upcoming series on CW that's based off of it. Because from what I've been reading about it, and series of books that is already questionable is being torn apart for this show. It promises to be pretty awful.

Got Fangs?

2009-06-18T05:50:00.000-07:00

by Katie Maxwell

Plot Synopsis: Francesca is traveling Europe for the summer with her mom as part of GothFaire, a traveling show with magicians, psychics, and witches (like her mother). She just wants to be normal, which has been difficult since she inherited her mom's weirdness and can read people's minds by touching them. Anyway, her BFF (Imogen)'s brother, Benedikt, visits, and with her power she finds out he is a vampire. Her plan to stay away from him is thwarted when he tells her that he is her Beloved; the only person who can redeem his soul. (Also, he's "open-your-mouth-and-let-the-drool-flow-out cute.") Later, she accidently discovers that someone at the fair wants him dead, and she has to use her powers to find out who is stealing from the fair's safe. Mystery ensues.

Vampire Lore: 4
I was actually pretty impressed. He gets burned by sunlight, drinks blood from humans, and dies if he gets staked in the heart. Maxwell makes a point to mention that Benedikt wears a cross around his neck, which was bizarre and random and I assume will come in later. However, he does get the crap beat out of him by a demon, and is injured like a regular person, and I wish he would have been more badass.

Love/Sex/Romance: 3
Well, there was no sex at all, for starters, so that's out. But the whole book is based around the fact that Benedikt's Movarian (means "vampire" in this book, not the Pennsylvania college) soul needs to be redeemed by being united with his Beloved, which, as luck would have it, is his sister's best friend. The romantic interactions are FINALLY appropriate; she is wary of him and doesn't automatically fall head over heels for him.

Fights: 1.5
This doesn't get a 1 because it's slightly better than this gem. You don't actually see a fight, but you see what kind of shape he's in afterwards, and that shape is pretty brutalized.

Entertainment Value: 3
I was entertained enough until about 30 pages from the end, where I guessed the ending. This annoyed me. But I plugged through the rest, and I had guessed wrong. So for that, Katie Maxwell, a 3 for you.

Characters: 2
There were a lot of characters, but none of them were really given much depth, aside from Benedikt and Fran. Even the guy who turns out to be the bad guy never had much information revealed about him, except that he was skeevy and thought he was actually Elvis. I would care about if I didn't think most of them needed to be developed a bit more, because I was sort of confused by their actions in the story because they just weren't explained all that well. Also, cliche vampire dude with cliche outcast human girl. Of course.

Writing: 4
I'll be honest, I actually hated the writing style. A lot. But I gave it a 4...what's up with that? It was strangely written, but was, again, appropriate. It's a first person point of view from Fran, so you're in the mind of a sixteen-year-old girl. So all the dumb stuff that is written, is written because that's how the mind of a sixteen-year-old works. Basically, all the awkward word and phrases to describe things are supposed to be there.

Overall...this actually wasn't too bad. I got (and get) the impression that Katie Maxwell doesn't take herself too seriously. Melissa de la Cruz tries to write meaningful novels with depth, Maxwell knows it's pretty much fluff and has fun with it. Reading this book was an enjoyable two-day-long experience.

Blue Bloods

2009-04-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

(Book 1 in the Blue Bloods Series)

by Melissa de la Cruz

Plot Synopsis: This time around, vampires are actually New York City socialites, that keep dying and being reincarnated. They should be indestructible, but something is killing them and draining them of all their blood...yes, you guessed right, they have BLUE BLOOD.

Vampire Lore: 3
Most classic lore is ignored. I did like that in this world, their fangs are in the back. It actually makes more sense to me. Also, these vampires were followers of Lucifer that were cast from Heaven, and have been going through a death-and-rebirth cycle for thousands of years, hoping to be welcomed into Heaven again one day. They keep all their memories through their past lives and everything.

Love/Sex/Romance: 1
There was one sort-of-relationship. One time, they almost had sex. Only one was a vampire. FAIL.

Fights: 2
This does not get a 1, because in one instance when the protagonist is getting attacked, her dog saves her. I like dogs.

Entertainment Value: 3
This was quite possibly one of the slowest moving books I've ever read. The main plot (or what was to be the main plot) wasn't revealed until more than halfway through the book; even the word "vampire" was missing until ten pages short of the halfway page. If not for the impending delight of getting to rip it apart later, I would have dropped this so quickly. But for all I know, the author could have done this on purpose, because the book ends right when things ACTUALLY start to happen. It would make readers curious enough to check out the rest of the books in the series.

Characters: 3
The main character's name is Schuyler Van Alen. It should be noted "Schuyler" is pronounced as SKYLAR. Not SHOOEELER, or SHULER, or anything else I thought until another character referred to her as "Sky." Her dad is dead and her mom is a coma, so she lives in a run-down mansion with her grandmother...even though they somehow aren't rich anymore, or something. She is the classic teen vampire novel female protagonist...wears clothes that look awful, has two friends, but is still somehow GORGEOUS. Then there is her best friend, Ollie, who she finds out is basically her guardian. Dylan, their new friend, who you find out by the end of the book is also a vampire but didn't tell anyone. Mimi (vampire), an unbearable popular girl that made me want to set things on fire. Mimi's twin brother, Jack (vampire), who thinks he's totally in love with Schuyler in his past lives, until he realizes he seeing memories of her mother (and so basically says, NVRMIND KTHX; what a douche). Bliss (vampire), the new girl in school who is torn between being in the popular crowd or dating outcast Dylan...man, teenage years involved so many hard decisions.

Writing: 0.5
With a writing style rivaling that of Tara Gilesbie, how can you go wrong? There were so many unnecessary descriptions of clothes, purses, and shoes, I thought it was a joke. There were brand names I'd never even heard of (not that that's saying much, as the majority of my own clothes shopping is done at Kohl's and Target), not to mention sentences like, "He was so skinny and sexy."

This is the cream of the crop of poorly written teen vampire books. I'm sort of ashamed that this entertained me, but I think I'll be content looking up the spoilers on Wikipedia rather than read the rest of this series. But, once again, if you are faithful to this genre (for some ungodly reason), you'll probably enjoy this.

In The Meantime, I'll Tell You About A Man Named Dan Brown.

2009-04-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

School has been keeping me busy lately, and I have not even started my next book. (I won't tell you what it is though; suspense!) But I have something else I want to rant about within the literary world. Yesterday, one of the biggest publications since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was announced. Dan Brown, after about six years or literary seclusion, will have his new book released by Doubleday.

Now, I've been in publishing for many years, and consider myself a bit of a snob about the quality of novels. Enough to know that Dan Brown isn't a very good author at all, but not enough to rant about it to everyone I encounter. However, I have friends who are English majors, communications majors, and library science graduates that DO care enough to go into long winded rants about his crappiness.

True, every cliffhanger is completely obvious. Yes, Robert Langdon is too cocky for his own good. Of course you knew that guy was going to be the villain; Brown sucks too much to try to disguise it any better. Yup, that thing that happened that one time also happened in every other suspense book in the fiction section.

But he's not all bad. I'm impressed that he got an entire society to think and argue about their beliefs. He brought bits of history into light that no one knew about. (Not that much of the book was true, as it is a FICTION book. (Something people seem to forget.) But I can guarantee that about half of the people who read that had never heard of the Knights Templar.)

But in 2009, the world needs Dan Brown. Print media is a dying industry. Small publishers are going bankrupt. Big publishers are cutting ties with their imprints. Borders hasn't had shares over a dollar for months. All book retailers and distributors have seen huge declines, and everyone is scared stiff. His novels are complete rubbish, and my brain leaked out my ears when I read The Da Vinci Code. But no one can deny his presence and influence.

I really hate to admit it, but Dan Brown just might save the book industry.

Honorable Mention: Generation Dead

2009-04-06T19:19:00.001-07:00

by Daniel Waters

Plot Synopsis: American teenagers are dying. But they aren't staying dead. Some random high school somewhere in New England has become known for its excellent reputation toward accommodating "differently biotic" kids. There's the two Hot Topic goths, the football star who's in love with one of them, a bunch of dead kids, and the rest of the world that hates them. Drama!!!!

There are two reasons this book won't get rated like I would normally do. First of all, it's not about vampires. Secondly, once I got past the cliched characters that I wanted to strangle...this was actually a pretty good book, and I can't mock it properly.

I mean, I knew I'd hate most of the characters when I read, within the first few pages, that Phoebe, the primary protagonist, had long black hair, wore all black clothes and purple lipstick, and listened to lame goth bands...and Disturbed, one of the worst bands EVER. Her best friend, Margi, was marginally more tolerable, mostly because I liked her big boobs. Then of course, the huge football player, Adam, who's known Phoebe since grade school and is secretly in love with her, and just learned to control his physical power. This causes problems with his ex-best friend, Pete, who is a big idiot.

I liked the dead kids, because they were something new. I suppose this it what it would have been like if I had read the first teen vampire books when it came out, but the differently biotic (zombie is impolite!) kids were sort of fascinating. I never would have thought what it would have been like to be undead, or live among them.

But what I enjoyed about this book was what was left after all the characters are extracted. It's a book about prejudice. The people subject to that prejudice are on a quest to show the world they aren't all that different. The few that befriend the different are outcast. There are sacrifices and casualties. And really, everyone else just makes fun because they're scared.

It's like real life, but with more zombies.

The sequel is set to come out next month. While it isn't particularly high on my priority list, I'll definitely make it a point to read it.

Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side

2009-03-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

by Beth Fantaskey

Plot Synopsis: Nerdy 17-year-old high school senior Jessica Packwood pretty much hates all things ridiculous. She hides the fact that her biological parents (she is adopted) died because they were studying vampires. (It should be noted that her adoptive parents are crazy hippies, which I actually quite enjoyed.) One day, a Romanian dude (Lucius Vladescu) shows up, and tells her she is in fact a vampire princess, he is a vampire prince, and that after her 18th birthday they are to be wed in order to prevent a vampire war in their native country. Oh noes!

Vampire Lore: 3
The vampires were from Romania, which you rarely see these days, so I liked that. He drank blood, so that tradition stayed. However, I found it odd that in this world, vampire females don't get their fangs until bitten by a male vampire. And that fangs pretty much act as erections for dudes. (Seriously. Whenever they get aroused, their fangs come out to play.) Also, Fantaskey completely throws the fact that vampires can't be in the sunlight right out the window, by having Lucius say that it's just a myth. Though I guess throwing out attributes of vampires cemented in the 19th century is totally acceptable if you have a master's degree in journalism.

Love/Sex/Romance: 3
This book had a lot of almost-sex and making out, but no intercourse. I did like that in this world, vampire sex isn't a big deal, and that blood sharing is more intimate. Less emphasis on sex in teen novels is good by me.

Fights: 1
Lucius's vampire uncle beats him. Human style. With fists. I read about fist fights in any book.

Entertainment Value: 2
The momentum of the story was doing well, but I became really uninterested after Jessica came to terms with the fact that she was, in fact, a vampire. I finished it on the night I started it only because my boyfriend was playing Fallout 3 and I was bored.

Characters: 3
Nothing special; pretty cliche.

Writing: 2
It wasn't anything I didn't expect from a teen vampire romance, until the last few chapters. About 50 or so pages from the end, her best friend thinks she's weird and she humiliates her sort-of boyfriend, so they don't talk to her anymore. She doesn't participate in graduation, but after hearing some news about Lucius (he's back in Romania by this point) she gets on a plane with her vampire uncle within hours and goes off to her kingdom. Some drama happens, she gets bitten...and that's it. What happened to the friends, they never reconciled? And her parents are not mentioned ONCE in that entire block of time. Way to give your loved ones a heart attack.

Overall, if you actually enjoy teen vampire novels, you'll probably enjoy this. If you have three or four hours with nothing to do and you DON'T enjoy teen vampire novels, go play Fallout 3. Dogmeat is waiting for you!

Introduction and Explanation

2009-03-31T09:11:00.000-07:00

As explained in my profile, I've been working in magical world of publishing for almost seven years. In my time at Barnes & Noble, I was, at some point, in charge of nearly every section in the store, including juvenile & teen. While there, I steered as clear as I could from teen fiction, fearful of the disasters I might find. It wasn't until I moved on to my next job doing data entry, that I saw some of the amazing teen books that were out there, waiting to be read. Most notably, though, is the world of teen vampire fiction. Never have there been more desperate lovesick females in one genre before! I couldn't believe the amazing literature I was missing out on! So, in the month of March in the year 2009, I vowed to read as many of these novels as I could lay my hands on, which, thanks to my library, just might be all of them.

I decided the best way to rate these novels would be if I were to set up categories. After a few days worth of self deliberation, then with the help of a friend, I decided on what I believe to be appropriate categories. Here they are, with an explanation of classification. (Also, it should be noted that this is on a scale of 1-5.)

Vampire Lore
Never have I seen anything more bastardized in fiction than vampire lore. I'm all for creativity and putting twists on classic concepts, but there are certain things that should not be touched. Ever.

Love/Sex/Romance
The notion that vampires are sexually driven beings has become more popular only in the past few years...according to Wikipedia, anyway. No doubt due to the emergence of sexual deviances in people's real lives, what with biting at whatnot. (Thank you, early-2000s Angelina Jolie.) Anyway, vampire-on-human action is inevitable in just about every vampire novel, so it deserves its own category.

Fights
Vampires have fangs. They feast off the blood of others. The novels about them sure as hell had better have awesome vampire fights.

Entertainment Value
Almost every one of the books I review here will probably be unargueably awful. But, just because something is awful doesn't mean it wasn't entertaining. Sort of like William Shatner's music career.

Characters
This is where I'll just babble about the main protagonists in the story, whether I liked them or not, etc. Though, let's face it, it will probably be a dude vampire and a chick human. Predictable genre is predictable!

Writing
Here is where I'll become the elitist bitch I always wish to be, even though I have absolutely no right to do so. (It's the internet, who cares about my writing credentials?!) More often than I'd like to admit, authors of teen novels (and this applies to all teen novels, not just the vampire ones) have issues...well, writing decent literature. (John Green and a few others are not included in that generalization.) Gaping plot holes, awkward sentence construction, incorrect verb tenses...stuff that an editor ought to pick up. (The editors probably don't bother because they realize no matter what they do, the book will still be a god awful steaming pile of shit.)

Happy reading!